I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend ___________________________________________________ How often you attend ________________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your: father? Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car--there is no need for you to come inside. A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ______________________________________________________________ B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________ C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________ D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________ E. ___________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: ______________________________________________________________ F. __________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.The camouflaged face watching you from the window is mine. _________________________________________________________ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: ______________________________________________________________ Number of years they have been married ______________________________ If less than your age, explain ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). I was handing this out to her dates when she was in high school.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. I have a friend who had it blown up to "huge" on a wooden plaque and bolted it to the wall opposite the front door with a sign in sheet.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. Rule Seven : As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough for my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does "DON' T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? _____________ SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank.You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.(you might watch your back) When my daughter brought her first date home, I made sure I was cleaning my Glock in the living room and said to him:"Young man, please be kind to my daughter, because if you aren't, I don't mind going to prison again! Same guy who retired from special forces as an 05 and has a son who graduated a few years ago from West Point. LOL I feel sorry for this little girls "boyfriends! She'll be lucky if she has a steady BF by the time she's a high school senior! They're dad/daughter activities included each of them getting black belts in Karate and then competing.Imagine being a retired special forces officer and then becoming a competitive black belt.Rule Three : I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off.